The Whole Gay Thing

Lyrics of the Day:

"I wanna sing one for all the dreamers

I'm singing this one for the sparks
Here's one for the friction makers
We are the bleeding hearts
Don't care whoever you are
We rise and fall together
Our hearts still beat below
You can't stand by forever
You're a kid with a bullet soul

Are you ready to go? 

Are you ready to go?"

"Bullet Soul"

-Switchfoot

Hi guys. I have something to mull over here. 

I was at my best friend's birthday party today, and he invited some people I'd never met. He said they were really nice, just kinda shy, and because of my outgoing and non-shy personality, he asked me to talk to them or something. My friend group all know each other really well and aren't shy with each other at all, so it can be kinda awkward if you haven't known them for as long as I have. (It's only been a year and a half or so since I moved here and met them, I'm not some expert, but I do know them all decently well.) So I sat down and smiled and talked nicely with my friend the birthday boy and the two new people, until the topic of the bi kid came up.

The boy new kid leans over and says. "I wanna tell you guys something." We lean in and he tells us about how this kid came out to his lunch table as being bi after the topic somehow came up at lunch. The guys at the table asked him if he was gay, he said no. They asked him if he was bi. After a brief pause, he looked straight at the guy telling the story and said yeah. This kid had been questioning the new guy about who he liked the other day, and so the new kid just got freaked out, stood up and left the table. The new girl agreed that that was just too weird and gross. I was not happy. 

As he was telling this story, my friend said my face just got darker and darker, like I was about to murder this guy. I didn't, don't worry, I just stood up very angrily and walked away really fast. My friend knows me better than anyone else, though, so he followed me as I threw on my shoes and ran out his front door to cool off. We sat on his step and he knows all about my parents and stuff, so he tried to get me to calm down. I couldn't believe that guy was such an asshole. You pressure somebody to tell you if they're gay/bi and then when you don't like the answer, get up and leave, perhaps crushing that kid's feelings and sending the message that being gay is disgusting? Why would you do that to someone?!

My friend is constantly forcing me to cool off. For those of you who don't know, my temper's as fiery as my red hair (an unfortunate coincidence, but I still like my hair) and when I don't like something, I'm not afraid to tell you. It took a lot to bite my tongue and keep from going off on that kid. And I guess then I realized to my friend that I will never win. There are just too many bigots and homophobes out there for me to fight, plus even if kids do respect and like gay people, they still say, "that's so gay." It's like saying "that's so black." Not so funny when you're poking at race, huh? 

I know I can't change the world, and trying to do the right thing and crusading to change people's minds is utterly exhausting. Sometimes, it just honestly feels like I'm the only pro-gay-but-not-gay person in the whole entire world, or at least I'm the only one trying to enact change. I don't know if I can do it day in and day out. I want to change the world, and I'm fighting a battle I can't win. I'm never going to change everyone's mind. I can't even change my own mother's, who won't let me watch Glee because a guy kissed another guy on that show. According to her, it's a sin, and I can't say or do anything to make her waver on her stance, let alone change her entire way of thinking. If I can't change her mind, what impact could I possibly have on anyone else? It's a lost cause. WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?!?!? 

But then I think about all my gay friends; the theater geek who won't come out in his tiny town for fear of a beating, the Girl Scout Program Aide who was practically disowned by her mom after changing her facebook orientation to gay/lesbian, the badass who's not afraid to kiss her girlfriend in the hallways, and I remember why I'm hellbent on winning this stupid uphill battle. It's for them. So that one day, being gay can be just as normal as being black. We're on our way. We just need that little extra push, aka me. And I will fight this stupid, harebrained, one woman uphill battle until it is.

My impact is minimal. I know that. But I'm not gonna stop. 

Love, forever and always, 

Sarah Snarky